Ambivalent

Four days without nursing, Tad and I to Quebec. He didn't mention it once. But he didn't forget it. One of the first things he said to me when he saw me. "Mama, noose." Like he'd been thinking about it for four days. And nothing else.

Now I have to decide. Is it worth it to fight the fight? How much do I want to keep nursing? How much don't I? And this after full blown temper tantrum this morning when I gently said, "No. No more nursing," and tried to give him extra love. He pulled my hair, scratched my nose and hit me, all while screaming "noose" again and again.

All of these emotions over a breast. I'm sad, a bit. He's probably my last. The last baby I'll nurse. I want to hold on. Let go slowly.

But then there's my body. Four years of pregnancy and/or nursing. I have a body, been realizing it lately, and I want part of it back. Doesn't seem unreasonable.

For now. While I'm deciding. Eat chocolate made in Quebec. Some of the best I've ever had. Decide to decide when I'm ready to decide. Prepare for battle with very sweet and very surly little boy. Prepare to win. Prepare to lose. Prepare.